For me, January is tough because that's when the guy that I write about would push me away and break my heart.

There was always another female he would want to be around instead. Last year's was a different one from the year before. Maybe he met her on Tinder or Facebook. In anyway, he was off having his fun. It happened last year, and the year before that. February would see me depressed. I loath Valentine's Day.

He would be sweet to me, which was so nice, make plans he had no intention of following through with, and then January and February would roll around

and he'd push me away in a harsh, mean way, and take off with some tart. Well, I hope she's everything he ever wanted in a woman.

I think about the good memories. I remember every word, his facial expressions, and the sound of his voice. I loved the sound of his voice. Then I become sad because it's just gone. I still miss him and when he was like that.

The bad memories are hard and sometimes the pain is like getting jabbed with a dagger all over again. I get triggered and don't know what to do about it. I'm not mad at him; it just hurts. It made no sense at all why he would treat me like that. I looked up to him and admired him; why would he act like that? I only wanted good stuff for him.

So, yeah, January and February really sucks for me. I wish I mattered enough to him for him to resolve what happened between us. To make things right. But I guess that's my answer, isn't it? I didn't. That's why he never wanted me around and why he said not to contact him. I got so many mixed signals from him.

I'm not mad at him. I actually hope he is doing well and having everything he wants. I hope the twit he pushed me away for is all he ever looked for and he's madly in love with her. He just didn't want or need me in his world.

I wish he had been more forthright about his intentions instead of giving mixed signals to me. I didn't need another heartbreak in my life. In fact, I had done my best to avoid all that for a long time. But he was special to me; he caught my attention where another man couldn't, and I certainly didn't expect that to happen. He doesn't know what he happened to accomplish with me, because the men before called me a 'wild horse' and a 'hard woman to get close to'.

But my heart opened up to him. He could be 'emotional' and grouchy sometimes, but I still accepted him anyways and still cared. I still do. It's so hard trying to move forward and forget about him. I still shed tears sometimes. I still miss him.

And that's why January and February suck for me.